Sometimes you need to break & shatter a little bit before you can see the pressure point that made it all happen. Or two. Or five. Or all over your artistic soul. In the end it doesn't really matter though because it's there. So now what?
It's something I'm struggling with a lot lately. A day or two ago I reached out on my Instagram about my feelings (or the non-existence off it) as I've been battling something that is not an artblock. I was battling something that goes way deeper and more personal. I didn't "feel" my art anymore. Everything I looked at, new and old that I've created; only showed something like a canvas that all looked the same over and over again. It was hard. It still is hard. I feel like I've lost who I am, what I love and am passionated about and the ability to put those tiny fragments of my soul in each and every piece I create (except for a short few months, I'm still looking back on those because thats where it started to happen and it made me launch *this* thing.
It's fine though. Really. It is. I just realised that. After finally allowing myself to break under all these pressure points and literally looking at all these tiny pieces on the ground in my head. I didn't "lose" myself. I've just grow so much in such a short time as a person but due expectations from personal goals and focussing on the theoretical & administrational side of my business; putting my clients first (with all of my love & attention) and making sure all of that went fine. I'm still living "the old me" and trying to "fit the old me into the new me".
As artist, you grow as much as your artistic style does. A lot. It can be in a short time or a long time; it can be an amazing new insight in a technique. Though if you don't upgrade your vision of what you do with what you have learned, it doesn't work as great because after a few times ... it becomes repetitive.
And you know whats funny? I learned this because right now I'm sick. I had to cancel a reveal today as I'm afraid to contaminate them & a really epic blossom shoot saturday as I couldn't find the materials and I don't have the energy or vibes. However, tomorrow I nééd to be in the studio as it's a big production that involves a two people coming from far, already scheduled for ages ... re-scheduling would be too hard & considering it's a paid job. I just needed to do it as well. We realised that after a 1,5 hour skype call. Sometimes, you just need to push through the pain & crash later with a few liters of green tea and the bioshock collection in front of you.
Now before I continue there is something important I want to (re)tell: as I said before here, I was/am battling some serious issues regarding my creative flow. I don't feel it anymore. Nothing excites me. I don't "get" my light & posing, retouching doesn't fill me with joy. It has become bandwork; neverending; administration is suffocating me & I have so much on my head & heart to make things work. It's not cool & its been going on for a few months increasing in strength. There was just so much going on & my heart couldn't take it anymore.
When I was in the shower, minutes after the skype call I realised something important: I was excited. I felt these amazing little butterflies I always felt before a production when I'm overthinking the "how" and "what" . Posing? Styling? Light? I was covering all that in my head. I was thinking on how to tell the story. And I am excited for it. I'm sitting here with some painkillers against my headach and the first little nibs of food after a rough night yet (I barely ate past day+ because I was so nauseous) . And I am looking forward to tomorrow. Somehow. I don't know how I will get through it, but I will be on set & I am looking forward to it. For the first time in ages.
On my Instagram, someone commented I "should wait for the storm to break the glass" . Maybe, poetically said, I should just become the storm myself. Life isn't a fairytale but I believe that a big part is something we have in our own hands. Mostly: how do we deal with the situations thrown at us? I think thats what the universe has been trying to tell me. Back in England, I encountered a robin twice very close by. The first time when I was shooting on set with beauty Ophidia & I was feeling happy. Simply creating something. The second time was a few days later, after I heard I needed to pay my rent for july (new appartment) in advance & it messed up some plans I had (it was a big bite of my finances I had ready for a series of big projects). That was the "last drop" as we call it and I had a little personal tantrum outside (I did had the most epic view ever though, there are worse places to throw a little tantrum ... haha). And just when I took that deep breath & asked myself if I was doing something wrong myself; the robin appeared in front of me. Inches of where I was sitting, looking at me. For a minute we where just there and it felt like such a sign from above (I'm a sceptical believer in such things) ... it felt so real. Being home now, trying to get things straight, reading my cards the same happened. And now I'm here. Writing this down. Realising, sometimes you don't have to wait for the storm as it's just another excuse. Sometimes, your life is all in your hands and its up to you on how you deal with what life gives you. And I've been doing it all wrong for so long.
I'm still upset I'm sick & nauseous, I'm upset I had to reschedule & I have such a pile of work ahead of me and a household to run. But I can choose to do it and just go for it. Not with the idea of the neverending routine I am in (and thats killing me) but I can look at it from a point of view it's just another day in the life of a freelancer & I can create my little adventures myself. Be it going out with a friend, creating time to game, taking time with family, book a budget trip for a few days. Working on my shoots from scratch & push myself. There is so much I can do. And it shouldn't include feeling the dread of a neverending work of line like a 9-to-5-job I hate & never want to do (and have created for myself) that will kill me. I was stuck in the past & refusing to give up things & ideas I had in my mind.
Being an artist can suck, as we think so much. On the other hand, if you do it right, you can look at life like it's a lifetime series project you can tweak, redesign & revisit. Make moodboard for (you can dump) and revamp. Thats how life is in the end. And we, as artists, can decide how we approach it & make it something beautiful.