I often find myself in certain times, almost predictable, where my life gets turned upside down and I discover some new moral and/or value and I move on to the next. Writing this down makes me feel incredibly old, but honestly I'm just 26 (and what do I know right?). Thats my feels right now, all mixed up. I think I can say I had a good taste of what life can be in the last two years (in a not-so-good-way) however as my favorite mantra goes: "all comes to an end" ... I guess it could also count for the times like "the bad times end too. One day. Sooner or later".
My life hasn't been all bad, it was more of an inner turmoil and a lot of things that where bad (but doable) all piled up and suffocating me for a very long time. It sucked but honestly I'm kind of happy I got to experience it now because I do feel like a full-grown-adult. Something. I guess thats an achievement? Right?
All of that has brought me to a point in life that I never thought I would have: I don't feel like photographing anymore. Some might remember my heavy artblock from not so long ago which kept me from creating anything really, struggling to complete clients and me feeling completely worn out and broken. It has passed now (and how!) but I have found myself in an interesting new insight: I don't want to be a photographer full-time in such a way it consumes my professional and personal life anymore. it's not a bad thing; I guess my values simply changed with the time passing like many do and now I have this slow "breather" now I'm packing to move end of this month ... it made me think a lot (its like those "shower thoughts you can have, I think we can all relate to that).
It was good, it took over my life back in 2008 & got out of control since 2009 so thats a nice period; one that has given me a dreamjob and a young career in its early startblocks. I think now that that artblock was just me realising I had to change things because of having photography as a job, full-time. All the way day & night. And me trying to figure out what to do with my life now my source of burning passion and bottemless pit of energy was gone.Photography for me was like my battery for life: I would be excited, up until late in the night retouching, planning concepts and things between classes and work later ... It would fuel my love for life and give me that rush to live. I can't really explain it but I guess its similar to a drugtrip (I've never tried or will try it but I do know its really addictive).
It has faded. And not in such a way its an artblock, it's just gone. I adore my job to tiny little bits, I'm so happy this is my thing I pay my bills with and I can pursue and work on. But when it comes to my (non-existing) personal life; it just didn't work anymore. The rush was gone and I felt in a deep dark hole because I had creative-craving-withdrawals as I didn't get my art-fix. It took me months to figure out but now with the move soon and the last month I've realised it's not that I had an artblock. I just don't want to photograph in my free time anymore. When I close my emails for the night and I mail out my last assignments, I want to do other things to compensate the day-time job. And I found that again in "creating art": since I decided to work for myself (with "The Eden Project" & "Jesters" ) I have kindled my passion again.
You see, collabs are great, meeting people are great. But it became this big routine, soaking up all of my salary (postal & import taxes are crazy expensive) and I would be behind my screens all the time. It's not working for me to do the same over & over & over again. The routine I dreaded so much has taken over in a form of only being a photographer and did it ****.
Routine ain't for me. I want to go back to my roots and in my free time be an artist: I want to create things. Not for photography, but because I'm an artist. And it will still include a lot of photography, as thats my medium. But I feel a lot more is going to come along. Its ending a chapter, a beautiful chapter. But one that needs to end. Only to make place for the new. Over & out ...